Old time religion

My thanks to Simon Sarmiento, who sent me this nugget from the South African Press.

Bishop Joseph Tanzwani, commonly known as Ramafamba, of Makonde village, is alleged to have taken part in the ritual murder case of a promising soccer star, the late Maanda Sendedza, whose private parts and tongue were sliced off. His girlfriend, Nyelisani Sidimela, was left helplessly beside his body and her lips were removed. Sendedza’s trousers and cell phone were missing when he was discovered.

Ramafamba has joined his two accused in the same case, Mukondeleli Phosha (54) and Shumani Dzebu (31), both traditional healers, who were arrested in November last year. Phosha and Dzebu were allegedly found in possession of Maanda Sendedza’s private parts, tongue, cell phone and trousers. They were also found in possession of Nyelisani Sidimela’s removed lips. Nyelisani is presently receiving treatment at a Gauteng hospital.

A large crowd gathered at the court to have a close look at the man of the cloth, who is in his early seventies, during his appearance in court.

Somehow, I don’t think it’s going to make the Church Times.

Posted in God | 1 Comment

Two Four short sillies

(it’s been a long day)

First, someone has written a script to count the number of times the word “Nazi” appears on the front page of Melanie Phillips’s web site. Now all we need do is graph it over time, and then compare the output to the Rapture Index.

Secondly, my son, a smoker, tells me of a tragic side-effect of the smoking ban in Swedish bars. They now no longer smell of tobacco, this is true. But the owners of at least one of his favourite dives have had to install powerful extractor fans to get rid of the new smells of fart and BO.

The other remarkable thing I have read this evening is the discussion by Rafe Colburn and Tom Coates of how much time people spend playing World of Warcraft. But that’s a proper essay somewhere. Now, if only I could remember the blog idea for tomorrow’s Guardian.

If you’re too old for vulgar T shirts, but still lust after funny ones, this may make you laugh as much as it did me. See also the Chaucerian chat-up lines

Posted in Blather | 1 Comment

Stick a pitchfork in Heaney; he’s done.

You may have harboured doubts about the poetry of Seamus Heaney; but you will not have put them so well, nor so cruelly, as A.N. Wilson in the Telegraph today. His review of District and Circle concludes:

There is nothing here, unless you like poems about turnip-snedders or bits of unconnected prose about the Nissen huts that constituted the poet’s first school.

Posted in Literature | 1 Comment

Young people today

For a really jarring post-modern experience, you want to read this while listening to this. They are both improbable translations of the same song.

If you click on the second link in an open-plan office, you will probably lose your job. You have been warned.

Posted in Blather | Comments Off on Young people today

Plagiarism

I was impressed by the arguments put forward on Language Log that the Harvard student whose novel with a silly name has been withdrawn may well be as innocent as she claims. The longest consecutive stretch of plagiarised words from the novel found by the Harvard Crimson appears to be about 14 words. Now, that can’t be chance, but there is no reason to suppose that it must be deliberate, and a great deal of evidence to suggest that it might not be.

This girl is the product of an elite education. This is a process that will require copying huge quantities of other people’s words before regurgitating them. She’s nineteen, and will have been doing this intensively for the last 12 years or so. It is one of the skills most highly prized by the system. The skill of passsing modern exams consists almost entirely of showing that you have read and remembered the required reading load by sprinkling your prose with checkbox constructions. I don’t think that fourteen word phrases, in such contexts, are regarded as plagiarism. The bar surely goes at whole successive sentences.

So she is trying to write a novel — which I take to be yet another sort of exam. She’s eighteen, so she has nothing to say, but an urgent need to say it, and a gift of elegance. What should be more natural than that the writers she has first absorbed should reappear in her work?

However, I then set out to find the original story, in the Harvard Crimson. It turns out that fourteen words is plenty for successive sentences. In Chicklit. As in Blair. And, if the passages themselves weren’t evidence enough, there is the author’s reaction when the paper phoned her:

When The Crimson reached Viswanathan on her cell phone Saturday night and informed her of the similarities between “Opal Mehta” and “Sloppy Firsts,” the sophomore said, “No comment. I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Anyone who reacts like that is guilty. Either you have no comment or you have no idea. But to lose both your opinions and your ideas simultaneously — on a subject of such overwhelming importance as your reputation — shows you have been overwhelmed by shame.

There is also the historical perspective from the glorious Geoffrey Chaucer blog.

Posted in Journalism | 2 Comments

Unbudget flights

It’s been years since I flew a full-price airline anywhere in Europe. This is partly because i live only about fifteen miles from Stansted, Ryanair’s hub airport; partly because the cheap airlines are so very much cheaper if they are booked in advance. But to Munich I flew British Airways from Heathrow, and suddenly remembered how pleasant air travel used to be.

Some of the difference was in the air. The seats are wide and comfortable in club class; the wine is free and pretty good. Starting from Row 3, you get off the aeroplane quickly. But the real value for money came on the ground. There were no queues anywhere. The new automatic ticket machines print out a boarding pass (and even offer a choice of seats) as soon as you shove in a credit card. Then there was one other person ahead of me in the line to be searched at Heathrow. It’s true that she walked off with my boarding pass, but she did return it quickly.

I can’t remember the last time I flew out of England so easily. In the last five or six years I have only flown to Israel and the USA outside of Europe, and foreigners have to budget at least three hours’ queueing time onto every journey to either of those destinations. El Al want you to turn up four hours before the flight leaves.

Not queueing makes an immense difference to the pleasure of flying. Given a reasonable seat pitch, I don’t really care when the meals come or what they taste like (an exception there for Air France, who serve decent food and wine even in steerage). It would be worth a reasonable premium over Ryanair prices. What’s hateful is spending hours shuffling in a dispirited crowd towards some robotic or humiliating interaction at a desk.

But the cream of the joke is that for this trip BA wasn’t even more expensive. The only competitor among cheap airlines was EasyJet, and by the time I needed to buy a single steerage ticket from Munich, the EasyJet price was more than BA’s — and, actually, more than half a business class BA return ticket bought a month in advance.

Posted in Travel notes | Comments Off on Unbudget flights

In Praise of OUP

The news that OUP have done a deal with British libraries1 to make their online reference works available made me rummage around for a piece I wrote in 1996 for British Wired,  when Oliver Morton and Sean Geer were running it. This was about Chadwyck-Healey, a wonderful company, which has vanished into the bowels of Microsoft, but which made stuff that was about the opposite of wikipedia: vastly expensive and thorough databases whose reliability was absolute. I still have their Bible in English, but I never did manage to blag the English Poetry one and save myself £25,000 (plus VAT). The other thing that strikes me, rereading this, is how little has changed in the last ten years of the web. Sure, we say "Google" now, and not "Altavista", and the numbers are bigger, too. But the bubble, though it inflated the universe of the web, did not change its geometry, or its essential qualities. That had already been set. The elements had emerged from the big bang.

Reading poetry on screen is an undeniably strange experience, with something of the strangeness that must have gripped the people who made the first great transition from hearing poetry to reading it on paper. Books, after all, can be read in a very physical way: paperbacks can be mashed open and margins scribbled; a small hardback gripped between the first two fingers and thumb in a gesture that seems as much a physical part of thought as smoking once did.

With computers, there is nothing for our bodies to do. Behind a screen profundity swims as inaccessible and pointless as a goldfish. Slowly, this merely physical strangeness wears off, to be replaced by a deeper one; anyone who loves books has read them in all sorts of ways and places. The deeper weirdness is not in the physical medium through which we study the text. It is the loss of borders..

There are no more front or back covers. The page extends in every direction. You can leap from anywhere in the library to anywhere else. Instead of being selected by publishers, or authors, or even printers, the "next" or "previous" poem is whatever you ’d like. This can be quite a subtle choice. If I want all seventeenth century sonnets mentioning trout the database will find them. But if you want to find all dedicatory poems ever published in Edinburgh by poets whose birthdate is uncertain, you can do that, too. Or a simple listing of all the speeches which any dramatist ever put in the mouth of Faust.

There are some books which are already almost databases. The Oxford English dictionary is the best example; I have never known anyone who has played with the CD-Rom willingly return to the paper version. The Dictionary Of National Biography, if it is ever finished, will be another. But poetry seems different, partly because it often is. The arrangement of poems in a modern book may well be meant to bring out a message; even their arrangement on a page may have this effect, and though a database can preserve spelling and line breaks, it cannot economically preserve typography. A poem in a database will look different, and so to some extent be different, to the same work in a book. Even when the look and typography of each page is preserved on CD-Rom as in the Chadwyck-Healey edition of Tristram Shandy, part of their eighteenth-century literature project, the effect on the reader is necessarily going to be subtly different. Each page, no matter how perfectly reproduced, is framed in a huge and echoing gallery of possibilities. "Until we made the database, the corpus of literature did not exist," says Steven Hall, the marketing director; and in a sense, he is right. There may have been libraries which had every poem in the database, but these would not have formed a coherent anthology or anything like one.

It may seem that this is something very similar to web surfing at the moment. Technically, the two are not far different. The big text databases share a common linguistic ancestry with the World Wide Web; they are both children of SGML, the standard general mark-up language, which was modified to become HTML by Tim Berners-Lee at Cern.

Yet the gap between Chadwyck-Healey’s shelves and the wider web could hardly be deeper, narrow though it seems. You surf the web; you swim in a database. The web grows like an algal bloom, covering everything in a brightly-coloured surface that cannot be controlled or classified. It is full of noise and colour and anything else that can be crammed on. As soon as someone works out a scratch and sniff extension to Netscape it will be all over the web. The pure text parts are often the least successful. The web is almost all surface. It will take you anywhere you like provided you don’t stop to think or ask. The characteristic experience of web surfing is a wild and uncontrollable careen from the Encyclopaedia Brittanica to some tourist board’s web site in Northern Canada and then on to an undergraduate essay, two broken links and the discovery that Altavista indexes 1,200,000 occurrences of the word "God" and only 42 of the phrase "being fucked by". At then end you may be dazzled, exhausted, even happier; but you will hardly be any wiser. The uniform unremitting easiness of it all is just too much; and everything on the web is either easy or impossible.

The other great contrast is that the Web is free, as near as makes no difference. Chadwyck-Healey’s disks start at £1,250 for the Bible set, and run up to £25,000 for English Poetry or the Patrologia Latina. There is something rather chic about four CD-Roms costing more than a four-wheel drive, but they will never become a mass-market goodie, however deeply we move into an information economy.

Yet the significance of the library deal is that they may well become accessible to the masses. I would never spend £195 a year for access to the OED online. But now that the Essex libraries have subscribed to it, I don’t have to. My council tax buys me online access to it, and to the Grove Dictionary of Music and the DNB, all from home. This is completely wonderful. I’m sure that this kind of arrangement, in civilised countries, will turn out to be te way to get markets in reliable information that can deliver it at a fair price. There has to be a middle way between the free and amateur Wikipedia and the authoritative but unaffordable English Poetry. Collective subscriptions, which means libraries of one sort or another, must be it.

1 Thanks. Rupert.

Posted in Net stories | 2 Comments

A better vat for the brain in your life

An astonishing story from the New Scientist: an engineer at the University of Illinois has built a prototype retinal cell out of silicon. The idea is to replace damaged cells in human retinae with something that is a lot better than nothing. People have played around for years with the idea of implanted surrogate sensory organs which would transmit signals to the nerves behind.

What’s enchanting about this one is that it doesn’t supply electrical signals directly. It is of course electrical but the way it works is that light deforms a piezo-electric crystal which is turn squeezes out a drop of neurotransmitter onto the nerve cells behind, and this chemical stimulation causes the other end to send an electrical impulse. So it turns out that all the science ficiton had things the wrong way round.

All this puts me in mind of Dennett’s essay, referenced by HEB some time back, about the man who is slowly turned into a cyborg: at what point does he stop being himself?

Posted in Science without worms | 1 Comment

Ongoing improvements

Jeremy Henty asked in comments what was the God and Darwin conference. It’s at the British Academy, on Friday this week, and it is sold out. In fact, it was someone in the comments here who told me about it, which has significantly shifted the financial impact of this blog, by costing me an extra £165.00.

I shall have to gut the workers’ pension fund.

As part of the ongoing strategy to meet and surpass investor expectations, many of this blog’s opinions will in future be supplied from an anonymous warehouse in an industrial park on the A14, and facts will in future be collected by seasonal teams of Lithuanian students who sleep in tents and are only seen walking to work at dawn, smoking dark tobacco which leaves a sharp trail in the morning air.

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Emergency exits are located at the front and rear of the aircraft and over the wings. In the unlikely event of a 500 error, lifejackets are located under your seats.

Posted in Blather | 1 Comment

Test …

this should be an entry on the sqlite backend.

Ha ha! Movable sodding type: consider yourself pwnzed. I strangle Mena Trott in the intestines of Larry Wall and I dance!

Posted in nördig | 3 Comments