richer than anyone in history

Posted on August 23, 2003 by acb
One of the minor wonders of the Empire is that a rich man in America can not only muy more things than the richest men of the past could dream of; he can buy servants that were once the prerogative of an Emperor. Snoop Doggy Dog is a medium-successful rap star, with scarcely more than $100m to his name, but he has a personal Archbishop, just like the Queen of England:
Snoop turns away in disgust, passing the blunt to his ‘spiritual advisor,’ Archbishop Don ‘Magic’ Juan. Juan, sipping from a bejeweled goblet and wearing a white suit with a dollar-bill pattern, is a former pimp who earned ordination. Decked out as Dolemite, he’s the rapper’s unofficial mascot. ‘Snoop is calmer now, baby,’ Juan shouts at me above the din, waving smoke from my eyes with a gold-encrusted hand. ‘Millions have seen it. They saw it at the Playboy mansion, when we visited there together. His family life has improved, and he’s reaching a spiritual level that he couldn’t reach before because his brain was clogged up with weed and alcohol. That’s why his career is taking off the way it is, why he’s touring with those — what’s their name? — Hot Chili Peppers, and with 50 Cent.’
Between inhales, Juan is still talking. ‘Everybody’s always pullin’ at Snoop Dogg, but I try to do for him. I go get him things, like a fish fillet — I know he like that. Orange Crush — he like that, too. And because of my association with Snoop, I’m taking myself to new heights. Like — and you print this — I’m the first pimp William Morris ever signed!’
Maybe not quite like the Queen of England.

The quote comes from a story in Salon. I don’t know if non-subscribers can get it.

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One Response to richer than anyone in history

  1. Rupert says:
    August 28, 2003 at 12:03 pm

    You can always get philosophical about it. We’ve got more (and finer) music at our fingertips than Louis XIV could have hoped to listen to in his lifetime, better teeth than Henry XIII and have travelled many more miles than every medieval royal in Christendom put together. All my possessions for a moment of time – I don’t know what GQB died of, but I bet we’ve got a much better chance of escaping it.

    If you really want a personal archbishop… I’m a pope (Pope Onan The Expansive, of the Church of the Subgenius) and I’m happy to undertake such matters of personal spiritual pastoring as you may find necessary for the teensiest of honoraria, probably involving soft-shelled crab. Does that help?

    Of course, you haven’t got Snoop’s enormous pile of cash – this is of course grossly unfair and, warming to my role as your personal pontifex, I will of course do everything in my power to eliminate this gaping void in your soul.

    Have you thought of taking up rapping? Splash Trouty Trout might be a nice name.

    R

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